Videogamedebates top 5 series heads in to perverted territoty as we list the biggest balls in gaming history. This is not a literal list, I haven’t personally measured any manhood, it is more a homage to the bravest and most daring protagonists from video game history (just thought I’d clear that up). Do you agree with this list? Let me know!
1. Wander – Shadow of the Colossus
Despite his feminine features you can guarantee this boy is packing some serious balls. Defeat 16 colossi? No problem. He deteriorates and becomes visibly weaker with each Colossi slain but still continues to an unlikely victory over beasts much bigger and stronger than himself. It all ended on a sour note with his eventual death, but this captivating tale of bravery and triumph against the odds made the game the cult classic it is today. The bravery shown by Wander in tackling beasts of astronomical size nabs him top position.
2. Ethan Mars – Heavy Rain
After the death of his son Jason, Ethan Mars is left with the prospect of losing another son with his other son Shaun kidnapped. He is set a series of five gruesome and life threatening trials in order to piece together clues to his sons location. The game is a real thriller in choice and consequence, and it’s his unrelenting and fearless passage to find his son which makes him so brave and earns him a spot on this list.
3. Gordon Freeman – Half-Life
It may not be the first time a lead character has has to save the world from aliens but Gordon does it best. He is however. unlike any ‘superhero’ from similar games. He was a normal everyday civilian before the task of saving the world was put on him. He throws himself at every challenge and is fearless and shows courage beyond the average civilian. This is why he makes the list over characters like Doomguy and Masterchief, he has no formal training like those steroid pumping Arnold look-a-likes, and for that he has the biggest balls.
4. Bayonetta – Bayonetta
A woman with memory loss, in an unfamiliar area with no clue as to who she is or why she exists. She may look like a reject from a cosplay party but don’t let that fool you. It’s her bravery through re-discovering herself which earns her a place on the biggest balls list. Imagine a world where you have no clue what is going on but you have the ability to fend off attacks from mythical beasts, could you do it?
5. Lara Croft – Tomb Raider
Okay, so technically there is no balls involved here but if she was a guy they would be of a monstrous size. She’s a lone ranger, who outguns and outwits her foes with precision and guile. She is fearless, without help and provided a powerful female lead we hasn’t seen before. Sure, she may have sold a few more copies due to some certain ‘assets’ but she was also a character with a lot more depth than most male leads we see. The current versions seem to focus more on her vulnerability because she is female, which is a shame, but she still has the biggest balls any female could ever have.